no more no less

Time to blog again….well, I’ve had a perfectly ordinary week…learnt a few things, destroyed a few more, had my tussles with people, got irritated by many more….and on and on and on… But I’ve learnt to learn something from everything that happens to me. I have some kind of weird thing with making lists for every little thing, so here goes: This week I’ve learnt that: 1) Those who really love you would stop themselves from crying in front of you for no one’s sake but your own; no matter how bad or wicked a thing you did to them or to yourself. 2) When a friend is simply unreasonable, and calls at you to rant at you over and over again after making your life hell at school, you can’t always calm her down by being patient. And if she thinks she owns u to such an extent that u can’t even ‘play’ with some friends with whom she isn’t exactly on the best of terms with, she’s just talking crap. If she has a problem with it, she doesn’t have to yell at me every day to make her point clear. So the simple thing to do is: the next time she calls to scream at you even in the not-so-safe haven of your home, all you can do is SCREAM right back…vent your frustration over the phone, there’s no fear of getting disconnected, and no danger of losing your control and hitting her. She won’t hang up. She’ll calm down and apologize, and actually be normal again for the first time in three whole weeks. And, thankfully, grow up a little tiny bit. 3) Sure ppl can change for the better in even one second (one of my favorite theories), but they can also change for the worse. Or maybe they hadn’t ever changed…but when you get to know that some persons are, by nature, corrupt, it’s a better idea to stay away from them. 4) It’s good to share complicated messes with your mother, as she’ll give the best and safest advice, but definitely not about love affairs and stuff like that. 5) You can freak out just about anybody on the net while chatting by praising them, saying that you’re awed and inspired by them, or just telling weird things abt urself. Chatting is the best way to do this as ur facial expressions won’t give you away then. 6) Even when you jokingly tell a person that you love them, they take you so seriously and start talking about why they shouldn’t (when they DON’T want you to love them, of course)….that you start being serious urself…and then that person doesn’t believe you when you tell them that you weren’t joking at first. Lord, give me strength….to joke or not to joke, that is the question! 7) Shakespeare is simply GREAT when translated into Punjabi! If only Shakespeare were born here! New things that have happened this week: 1) I’m the problem guru for some friends…just hope Allah would guide me in consoling and advising them. 2) My teachers were previously about 99.9% crazy. Now, however, they are officially 100000000000% mentally disturbed!!!!!!! 3) My nani’s gone back to Karachi…. I’ll miss her: (it’s very hard not to miss a person who has tried so hard for two months every year for the past 11 years to make me the perfect wife for a non-existent guy…and I say non-existent cuz there’s no one whom I’ll marry…. I’m just not the type of person to marry; but I haven’t yet worked up the guts to tell my nani that yet. 4) The British Council is trying to kill me! Seriously! I got a letter yesterday announcing that I was to go to yet another ceremony…God knows why or when or even where! Anyway, even I don’t attach much importance to this, so I’m not gonna tell anyone when it is, when I’m going and when I’ll be back…I only told this here cuz I don’t want some school friends to hear abt it after the ceremony and think that I’m keeping tings from them…and this way, I’ll avoid any questions. So we won’t have to go through all that happened after the first one….i hope you understand. 5) I actually had an oracle dream! Well, kind of…but the dream and what happened the next day were definitely linked.

Letter To You

I did not write this, but I expect it was written by my soul mate. Dear you, I have a certain question to ask of all of you. Even if I haven’t known you for even half of my whole life, I still think you’d help me if I ask you this tonight. For every dream that’s took me high, there’s been a dream that’s passed me by, so would you help if I asked? If I asked you to help tie my shoe, kiss my wound, or beak a bond, would you? Or would you let me stumble and fall, bleed and die, suffer and break? If I asked you to hold my hand, hold my heart, hold my love, would you? And if you did would you love me enough to kill me… if I asked you? -Me

what a great day!!!

One of the best pieces of advice that a book ever gave me (excepting the Holy Koran, of course) was, strangely, in a Stephen King novel. It’s just these words that are repeating themselves in my mind again and again and again today…I guess they are all that relate to my situation somewhat and are maybe an attempt to explain something which I can’t quite figure out yet. 'There’s one thing you should know about the world--It don’t care…. It don’t hate us, but it don’t love us either…’(The Shining) The grammar is bad, the punctuation is all wrong, but so what? At least it can console me that one of the most brilliant (albeit sick) writers of the world can explain what I can and cannot expect from the world, even and especially a few people who call themselves my FRIENDS. All I want to say is; I did not expect a hug, I did not expect a kiss, or anything like that. But I did expect some acknowledgement of what took place yesterday. It was one of the biggest things that happened to me, and you…well, that’s all past mattering now. You don’t hate me, but you don’t care for me, either. But you DO care for the teat that you’re expecting from me. Wow…what layers of depth you have! I’m not angry…well, not very angry. But I AM very very hurt, very very depressed, and very very sad. It’s people like you who have given me such a face. The face that tells the whole world how hard it is for me to smile.

first attempt at Haiku

i din't think much of haiku at first, but it's kinda cool once u write something like it urself.....i don't think i've followed the rules correctly tho Your hand in mine One loving squeeze Magic divine

fakeing

don't know y i always portray such a negative view of myself in my poems, i guess that's how people have always made me feel.... i wrote this thingy in class 9 too, when i was about 12 or 13...and i still feel like this, only more intensely than ever. FAKE Yes, I’m nothing No, I don’t feel Of course I’m happy Every wound will heal Sure, I’m the lowliest That He could make And I’m so content With the gladness I fake Nothing inside that I can see Nothing outside that you can perceive Just a fake, a sham, With a painted smile Just a doll to adorn With a heart as bile A wax mask covering my hideous face; A farce of lies veiling my life False tears glossing over my eyes how will you ever try to see inside? And so I’m at ease I have to be For I’m a fake That none can see I can’t change it So here I’m feeling Just living with it But no wounds are healing

what i wrote in class 9

After a considerably long time, I finally managed to post something about my theories and my thoughts on life in general. Well, I just found out exactly how warped my thoughts are. The lovely idiotic theory that I posted a few days ago is apparently SO confusing that Em Tiddi and Niqabi simply declined from commenting on it, and chij bachee only commented because she was on a commenting spree that week. And they all said it was too confusing to understand…. so, I guess it’s back to the drawing board, but I don’t think I really expected anyone to understand that article. Anyway, I’m sorry for confusing you… And please don’t kill me now…see if you can make anything of this! Prologue: The Creation Right down deep in the middle of the earth, there is a hollow. A hollow created by the darkest, blackest evil imaginable. A void maintained by the most powerful dark arts, the real ones that were there before any of the inferior voodoo on earth was created. There dwells Sivelra, the lowest of all creatures. The blackest character in the universe. She feeds upon vice and immorality. What she says of herself is that she was made from the very sands of Hell. But who she was before what she became, how she came to be, why she did what she did, are all unknown. No one has ever seen her. They would not have survived if they had. They would not even have died peacefully, but continue roaming the world forever, almost drowning in misery and grief, but never quite expiring, never gaining the peace of Death. And there, in the middle of the earth, she has created a space for herself. Where there is thought to be lava, her evil is there. In clouds of red smoke, she floats, creating evil, was there before the beginning of time, would be there after the end of time. A column of swirling black clouds, occasionally emitting fire-red lightening revolves slowly in the centre of Sivelra’s abode. It is here that Sivelra is creating her most evil invention ever. Half of her blackest magic has gone into creating this tornado in the middle of her dwelling. And today, the 23rd of March, the waiting has finally come to an end. For years she had been preparing this creation. Every type of sorrow and despair had gone in to it. Everything unjust, dark, everything negative had been used. All the things that make life unbearable. Unrequited love. Harsh words. Neglectment. Tears. Blood. Self-destructiveness. All the roots of all evil. And only one sole ingredient remained, which was, and had always been readily available, to be added to the column of damnation at the right time. A portion of her own damned soul. And now it really was time. Twenty-three minutes past three in the dead of the night on 23rd March. Now her pupils dilate, and the hole in the exact middle of them, which was a passage to her evil soul, begins to grow larger and larger. A thick poisonous green gas fills them, and slowly floats out into her hand. A piece of the evilest soul. The one last element. Sivelra softly breathes onto the quivering smoke held in her hand. The air she breathes is black, tainted with the wickedness inside her. The soul is added to the black clouds. The Column of Damnation, which was the name Sivelra gave it, so important it was, turned red, black and green, all the evil colours of the world, some of which are not revealed to man. The red flashes continue, growing more and more violent by the second. The dome is filled with the smoky clouds, enveloping everything but the cackling witch. Her large, luminous eyes are filled with triumph, in addition to the unholy evil ever present in them. And all at once, it clears. In Sivelra’s hand there is…. …a doll. It had no eyes, hair, mouth nose or anything. Just a body, with stumps for hands and feet. The final had taken about ten seconds, while the preceding preparation had been going on since eternity, in addition to all the other evil schemes that Sivelra devised in her evil dome. There was still time. The minute was still twenty-three minutes past three, the real witching minute. Sivelra raised the doll. It was to deteriorate the world for her, ruin every happy life. Nothing but evil would remain, the sole purpose of all those who practice the darks. She let go of the evil toy, if it could be called that. It rose up towards the ceiling of the dwelling, its iniquity parting the earth before it. It went at a tremendous speed, and at the twenty-second second of the twenty-third minute past three o’clock, it emerged in a graveyard in the area where it was to act its first destructive act on earth.

diary entry

The most pathetic thing one can say when troubles come is sometimes the most truthful. It hurts, it pains, and it doesn’t comfort, but it’s just there, a solid truth, and you can’t fight it. After everything that has been happening, all my mother and my grandmother can is this: ‘Life has its ups and downs beta- all you can do is to stay out of everything that causes trouble and Allah will make you happy.’ They’re right, but what does that do to make anything even the littlest bit better????? And they don’t understand. They can’t understand that I can never be happy when others are unhappy. I can’t cut myself off from friendships, I can’t accept myself until and unless I am satisfied that others have to come to harm through me or through anyone else. I’m responsible for people insulting and hurting others, and even more so when they’re my friends. But I feel so helpless-there’s no one who would support me. Not even my own family. All I got that day when I came back from listening to S’s outrageous anger was a scolding from my mom at being about ten minutes late. I was crying in the car, crying at home, and no one came to comfort me…all they had to offer was their advice. Friends are not important; I should forget everything that happened, I should just concentrate on making myself happy, blah blah blah and on and on and on. My mother is convinced that all this is not important at all- not important enough to cause her ten minutes inconvenience, anyway. I guess it’s time to take up the mask again…I’ll just pretend to be happy, extremely happy, so that no one catch even a glimpse of the torture within me. I have been placed on this earth for other people, regardless of what I might have posted before. I’m here not to be comforted, but to comfort. I’m here not to weep, but to wipe away other’s tears. I am not here to fall in love with anyone, but to be there for people who are the victims of unrequited love themselves. And it’s also OK to reject me in favour of other people who might be better than me. I’m here to be pushed away, to be shoved into a corner until I am needed. That’s what I am: nothing more, maybe something less. A hurting blindness it is inside O Darkest Soul, O Lord Above How hast thou cursed this life not mine Ah joyous child! Black’s love that’s thine

****ing life

It was going to happen sooner or later. I tried to get her to cool down, but she lied to me. All I can say is, I hate the way things have turned out. All I want is for everyone to be happy. No more, no less. Do I want myself to be happy? No. I’ve given that up now. I just want to tell Em that she is 100% correct…I merely wish I had that power of speech…and that much confidence. I only want to say that I didn’t have any problem, just in case you misunderstood my face or my actions in school. You mustn’t think I am so sensitive…all I care about is everyone’s happiness. It’s all one to me whether I myself am happy or not. So that’s all I can post today…I can’t do any more…. but here’s a story that my cousin wrote…it’s kind of like an Indian film, but I like it, and it was published in She…so just read it and pass over my blogging for now. A little word of warning guys, it’s very very long…about 9 pages in Word…so don’t start reading it unless you have quite a bit of time on your hands.