sis gone :(

My older sis has gone to Bahawalpur along with my cousin, who is in the same batch, on her school trip. For six days, I’ll have no one to fight with, make faces at, or hold concerts with after we lay down to sleep. I was down all day because she wasn’t there…or maybe it was just because of the fact that I had to spend the whole day with yet MORE relatives…. the same group that were here till 3 am last night. And all the while she was enjoying herself with her friends…!!!!!!! I just can’t get over the unfairness of it. Here I am putting up going to one party full of those horrendous relatives as soon as I get up (is that what holidays were meant for??????), and all she’s doing is having a blast! But maybe I’m being too unfair. On the rest of my immediate family, that is. I don’t think any of my friends have ever seen that side of me when I’m extremely irritable and always on the verge of throwing a tantrum. And that’s the very side I’ve been showing to my family every morning. I get SO frustrated at the very thought of wasting another day with people that I can’t believe I’m related to, that I really don’t give my parents a chance to calm me down. I feel really bad about my tantrum this morning, I practically turned the whole house upside down because I couldn’t find the dupatta of the one suit of clothes I wanted to wear, and absolutely refused to wear any other. And my complaints must have been tough on them. So that’s y I’ve been down all day. I don’t know why I always find a reason to get depressed every day. I think it’s a kind of mental illness. I seriously need to visit a psychiatrist.

Rambling........

Relatives, relatives, relatives. Upstairs and downstairs and in the lady’s chamber. Ever since my exams finished the days are spent exclusively with these people who are supposedly my own blood. Even those like my khaloos and my phuppas who have only married my aunts are related by blood, as they’re all second cousins of my parents or something. Today was a prime example of their utter disregard for one’s privacy. I was woken up by my sis screaming that two of my first cousins, who were married, were on the way, and I had to shower, dress, make my bed(on account of the maid conveniently having taken a day off), somehow dry my hair all before they got here. No breakfast, nothing but half a slice of a month-old orange that my mom was peeling and we’re off! Where? I think it was to eat lunch. My world has turned upside-down since the exams finished. Waking up as late as 1pm was EXTREMELY early for me. Imagine starting your day like this, and then spending about an hour and a half crammed into a car with two sisters and five cousins, bickering about what to where to go, with the only male refusing every place because it was too expensive, or because it was too cheap(don’t throw these weird looks at me, I disowned him a long time ago), or because he’s eaten there abt a thousand times. At last it was Nando’s, where we ate the most hurried meal ever(the bill was ordered and paid before we started eating) This was because my ex-cousin and his wife had chosen to leave their month-old daughter at home with her grandmother, and she was gonna wake up any second and start wailing for her mommy. All this haste and cacophony was way too much for a peaceful person like me. I mean, even my name means ‘the peaceful one’. So I was in a daze when we finally reached my cousins’ house (would anyone have cared to think that I would rather go home?)….and that baby was calmly drinking milk out of her bottle and looking at us with those huge black eyes. She hadn’t cried one bit. Story of my life…and they ask me why I remain so tense! And now I’m waiting for the same group to come over for dinner including a few more aunts and uncles with their respective offspring. Have you ever heard of PEACE,

well i can see that only chij-bachee has commented on my first post....so how do i go on???? after reading that post again i get this really WEIRD feeling-how the hell do i get people to know who i am? i don't even know myself. neway....i guess i've already gotten the message thru....i'm the most sensitive, most insecure and the most inconsistent person on earth. if u read my crappy poetry u mite think that i'm too self-centred for my own good. BUT....i'm actually a very nice person. i shouldn't say this but i really care abt everyone i know, i'm not only sympathetic, i'm empathetic with other's problems. Some very close friendships that i have started solely by that person sharing his or her problems with me. it is my personal opinion that Allah has placed me on this earth solely for three reasons 1) to be an outlet for anyone who wants to vent any frustration, any problem or any baqwaas, for that matter 2)for potential phsychologists to analyse my character and firce me to analyse my so-called depression. there are certain people in the world who can never be alone with me without trying to pull me out from this wall behind which i'm hiding (however, the funny part is that i'm as yet unaware of its existence) 3) to write, write and WRITE oh shoot, i get no privacy around here. i guess a full evaluation of my obsession with writing anything and everything would have to wait until later, that is, if anybody's interested, and chij-bachee doesn't stalk off in disgust after reading my stupid posts.

Intro

Emily Dickinson once introduced herself with two day lilies, which she put into a stranger’s hands. Her words were: ‘These are my introduction…Forgive me if I am frightened, I never meet strangers and hardly know what I say--’ Appearing like this on screen, I cannot put any lilies into your hands. Black roses will define me better, anyway. Still I hesitate to give an introduction that you may understand, for I may not be what I will describe myself as in prose, and I don’t wish to mislead anyone. All I can say is that it’s very hard for me to start this blog, but start it I must. So as of now, I can just ask you to be content with these two verses that may, or may not, give my introduction. I’m not only frightened, I’m scared stiff. Day Lily 1: One spark, a glance Of fleeting life Is all that you will see There may be wonders, but then I am So removed from my entity Day Lily 2: There’s a myriad of stars That could be in my eyes But the starlight so vital Is just for you to provide There’s so much of fantasy That may arise If you would only consent to be My angel in disguise