Life is so irritating!!! I’m sure I’ll develop an ulcer from all the tension and irritation I’ve felt throughout this week…the irritation of teachers assigning homework and not taking it, of asking us to write down our comments on their style of teaching and then forgetting to take the papers…the irritation of the scorching heat after heavy rains just the day before, the dust flying everywhere, of having to study all the time, and of my sister (the older one) calling me a monkey if I ate a banana. Sometimes it’s just too much…I can’t come online, can’t write, can’t chat, can’t read, can’t watch movies, can’t hang out…. I’M TRAPPED!!!!!! It seems as if my mind is too weak even for me to complain properly…I can only grumble abt everything. I’ve started at least two dozen poems since I began to study for my SAT test (which is next week), and I can’t finish them because my conscience won’t allow me to…I did write a couple of haiku poems and one li’l verse, but these are unfortunately not so dear to me now as they were…and ALL because this idiot girl sitting next to me in Economics class read it today! Why, why, why? She wasn’t even a gud friend of mine, what right did SHE have to read my private stuff even when I was obviously trying to turn away from her, she leaned over my shoulder and secretly read it all…. and why am I so nice I couldn’t blow up at her in front of everyone? *grumble*

serious post

Many, many times in my life, I have heard people say things like ‘I’m just that way. You can’t ask me to change myself. I can’t change.’ And every time I’ve always taken it as acceptable that anyone can be excused for not caring that they hurt mine or anybody else’s feelings, for not being responsible, for not thinking about the sort of people they hang out with, or even for being just plain mean. But there’s always been something inside me that makes me so uncomfortable with such statements. I mean, what does ‘I’m just that way’ mean? The plain truth is: it means that one can’t be responsible for him/herself! It seems so stupid, it’s like you’re degrading urself, you can’t even control urself, how are you gonna control your life. Are you just going to be blown this way and that, refusing to change urself, refusing to be human, just because that’s the way you are? I dun think much of these people then…it’s all very well to stick to your good habits, such as studying regularly and speaking the truth, even if ppl ridicule you for it, or you get into trouble, but I just cannot accept the fact that human beings can be so cold when it comes to others’ feelings. They just can’t be bothered-and their excuse is that they’re not the caring type. All I have to say here now is to look at urself and your actions, think about how many times you urself have done this kind of thing, and shake this notion that you were not made to be any better. You are responsible for the way you act, you are to answer for your life, and no one but you is to blame if you end up unhappy with your lot if you don’t adjust urself for the better.

I have never been so non-serious abt studies in my whole life; even with all the assignments and tests piling up, not to mention the SAT 1 test looming up in may, I’m as chill as if it’s only the beginning of the term and we still have to get our o level results….*sigh*…those were the days… I’m basically just slacking off, delaying assignments till the last day, studying for tests at school but not at home, forgetting homework and what not. But I must admit I’m a lucky person; no teacher minds an assignment which is a bit late, if it’s only once or twice, plus I keep within the limits…but I don’t think I can afford to be lazy any longer. I’m reminded of homework abt a day before it’s due (ironically, by ppl who are seeking help with it), but I know what luck is like-you never push it. But I HATE studying!!! It was ok in o levels, there was abt one assignment per week at the most, and the teachers were prudent enough to give one task at a time….i guess I’ve been spoilt. A levels is nothing like the ordinary stuff…it’s too different. Four subjects are so much more than the nine I had in o levels…and I’m swamped with so much work I simply stop caring abt it…well, all I can do now is wait for the panic attacks to hit me…I really don’t think anything else can motivate me to study :P

I’m baacckkk!!!

I would have posted where I was to go before I went, but I didn’t, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I didn’t have time, and I wasn’t sure that I was really going to…well, I wasn’t sure that the President really was going to be there. Ok, serious explanation needed here. After I’d got a distinction in literature in English in my O’ levels, I got a ceremony in Lahore held by the British Council. But for the first time in Pakistan, the government decided to give special recognition to all the world toppers in the country. It was a really big thing, because O’ and A’ levels are part of an international system, and there were no less than 37 world toppers in 2004. There has always been an excellent result from Pakistan in these systems every year, but this time, it was really exceptional. So, we all had free accommodation in Islamabad, the capital, for two nights’ stay, parents included, with meals and everything. The students were accommodated two to a room, with parents in the same motel, so it was kind of like a school trip. Well, actually it was like something we had never experienced before. I don’t know quite how to relate it. None of us knew anyone else, but we all had this one big thing in common; we were all world toppers! And the surprising thing is; no one was the nerdy type, no one studied there even though we had a lot of free time and everyone had a SAT test or their final exams next month. But no, we talked to one other for about ten minutes, and then we were in and out of everyone’s rooms, knocking on people’s doors and running away, talking and watching TV late into the night…. we just made full use of those 3 unexpected holidays! As for me, all my shyness completely disappeared. I did have to share a room with an unknown girl, but as luck would have it, there were no end s to the links in found there! My roommate turned out to be the best friend of this girl who had been MY best friend in my childhood, and whom I had completely lost track of. The other two girls that made up our group there (yes, we made and ended a group in three days) turned out to be friends of my current school friends. And there were these cute li’l kids from Beaconhouse Islamabad who were to sing at the ceremony…. their teacher turned out to be the mother of a friend of a friend…. that’s not quite a link, but that’s all I needed to talk to her without any shyness at all. And how I talked there! One girl who had topped in Pure Maths asked me ‘You LOOK very quiet and reserved, are you really like that?’ after we had spent a whole hour’s bus ride chattering non-stop all the way to the Aiwan-e-Sadar, where the ceremony was held. Well, what with being sick and not being able to eat anything, a completely useless rehearsal, early mornings and late nights, we had the ceremony on the 13th of April. I don’t know what I felt when I saw President Musharraf there, looking at all of us standing in reverence to the national anthem. He looked exactly like he does on TV, no more, no less, and sounds exactly the same too. And for those that say otherwise, he was NOT late…in fact he was five minutes early. He should be an example to the Governor of the Punjab, who was the chief guest at the Lahore ceremony. HE was 45 minutes late!! Anyway, the ceremony started with the Talawat and the kids singing a national song. And the President was soooo sweet! He kissed all of them on the top of their heads and awarded them, along with the older girl who gave the talawat 5,000 rupees! That’s as much as we got in the Lahore ceremony. But THAT is nothing to what he gave the world toppers. After a long speech, with some really intelligent stuff in it, along with some observations that kind of made me tune out *blush*, he presented each one of us a certificate and 50,000 rupees! What am I supposed to do with that kind of money? And after all that was done, he went outside with us to the refreshment tent and listened to everyone who had a complaint; especially about the educational system. He had answers to the stupid questions, and he promised to look into the genuine matters, such as the problem A’ level science students have in getting admission into medical universities in Pakistan. I only hope he acts as he listens. Anyway, it was a wonderful experience, well worth the nightmare of O’levels, and I guess it’ll get everyone through every examination that they give now. I’m going to write an article about this, because students ought to know what they’re going to get and experience if they achieve outstanding results, and need to be inspired by the special attention and recognition that they will get from the nation. This is one of the things that can truly provide hope for the country. And that’s all I have to say for now. Until then, I’ve got to catch up with missed studies if I want to go to a ceremony like that in two years.... and I am not feeling depressed at all!!!

bye ppl...cya

The stars have rushed farther into the sky The moon has averted its face Eyes neither look up nor down Just stare The words have been taken away The soul is struck dumb with the hate outside A mind struggles to contemplate One heart does not beat; it is nothing Just pain The wounds have been opened another way Everything so rotten, it goes insane The world’s a wilderness; there are no ways All paths have broken, nothing to do Just remain And wait, wait, wait, dying every day