my dream last night

i was walking in the dark, as is usual in my dreams...there was no light, but i cud see my arms very clearly. there were these long, deep cuts on my arms upto my elbows...all i cud think was why what i did to myself alwasy hurt more than what happened to me on its own. did that mean anything :S

Harshness...

‘Time and hour rushes through the roughest day’ Ah…time and hours seems to be dragging their feet through these rough days right now. And they’re the roughest for other people, not me. No, I’m just happy-go-lucky, getting acceptable SAT scores, studying literature (which is not a punishment for me as it is for some), taking time out to watch TV and even a few movies, having a good appetite, and making plans for the holidays. There’s a different sort of pain when tragedy comes to your friends-it has no better name than guilt. I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but it seems almost a sin to smile now. And there’s this guilt of having been so ungrateful in the past, of complaining abt every little inconvenience of life…and not thinking abt life itself. Deaths sends you crashing back down on earth, and some people have been crashed so much that they’ve gone even further below. How can I tell them not to worry, that it’s all for the best, how can I tell anyone to concentrate, force herself to concentrate on her studies? I’ve never had to experience anything of this kind. There have been a whole lot of births in m why family recently, not deaths. If any of my relatives died in my lifetime, they were old, and in pain, they had lived their life to the fullest. It was evident that their deaths were for the better. But a two-year-old, a newborn and a 24 year old? Why? How do they cope with it? I’m sure I can’t. And all I can do is to pray to Allah to give them strength…I can’t even seem to say the right words to comfort anyone. I’m just sitting there at home most of the time, feeling like bawling my eyes out-and studying seems so much harder than it ever did before. Literature has too many references to death, and economics and business seem so materialistic they’re positively disgusting. Life has just come hurtling back to reality. Why does it have to be so harsh?

harshness...

‘Time and hour rushes through the roughest day’ Ah…time and hours seems to be dragging their feet through these rough days right now. And they’re the roughest for other people, not me. No, I’m just happy-go-lucky, getting acceptable SAT scores, studying literature (which is not a punishment for me as it is for some), taking time out to watch TV and even a few movies, having a good appetite, and making plans for the holidays. There’s a different sort of pain when tragedy comes to your friends-it has no better name than guilt. I know I shouldn’t feel like this, but it seems almost a sin to smile now. And there’s this guilt of having been so ungrateful in the past, of complaining abt every little inconvenience of life…and not thinking abt life itself. Deaths sends you crashing back down on earth, and some people have been crashed so much that they’ve gone even further below. How can I tell them not to worry, that it’s all for the best, how can I tell anyone to concentrate, force herself to concentrate on her studies? I’ve never had to experience anything of this kind. There have been a whole lot of births in m why family recently, not deaths. If any of my relatives died in my lifetime, they were old, and in pain, they had lived their life to the fullest. It was evident that their deaths were for the better. But a two-year-old, a newborn and a 24 year old? Why? How do they cope with it? I’m sure I can’t. And all I can do is to pray to Allah to give them strength…I can’t even seem to say the right words to comfort anyone. I’m just sitting there at home most of the time, feeling like bawling my eyes out-and studying seems so much harder than it ever did before. Literature has too many references to death, and economics and business seem so materialistic they’re positively disgusting. Life has just come hurtling back to reality. Why does it have to be so harsh?

Words, I beseech, leave, free my mind Forget, dear heart, forget Thoughts, be erased O drunken mind; do this one thing; Obliterate

Sometimes being in one of the most known schools in the country can have its advantages. You do get to see a lot of interesting people. Just yesterday, some people (both Indians and Pakistanis) who were participating in the India Pakistan peace walk came to our school. It was so cool seeing them enter, with their turbans and their different dresses (different from ours, anyway)- there was even a Buddhist monk! He was SO cute, with pretty little eyes and such a humble countenance, and his tiny bald head. He was actually a Japanese, and had lived in India for the past three years. Anyways, all 20-something of them were seated in the hall (which is just what we call the biggest room in the building), and talked abt the usual stuff: the rifts between the people, the problems with the govt, etc, etc. There were no police anywhere, they were not political people, they were just a mixture of social workers and college professors, as well as just normal, everyday people…just working for what they believed was essential for the good of their countries. It was just so sweet, seeing them so dedicated to their mission, in spite of all the difficulties with visas and everything else. One of them also sang a song, e few of them stayed back after the presentation to speak to anyone who was too shy to speak up and give any suggestions. So I talked to this English professor (can you expect me to get anyone else?) who seemed really knowledgeable and was very friendly, and didn’t look down at me because of my age. I guess the people are at least past the stage where we’re apprehensive abt each other, and dun want to talk if they can help it. I can see a lot of hope where there once was none, but which I always dreamed abt even before the President started the friendship mission.

boring life boring life boring life...

HOW????

Whose death is more painful? That of an old person, who has been a source of comfort and support to so many people, achieved such a lot, and made a mark, if not on earth, then on the hearts of certain people who held him/her beloved? Or that of the person at the peak of his youth, with so much yet to accomplish, so much potential, so much vigour, so many dreams yet to fulfill? Or that of the tiny sweet child, still so utterly dependant, the joy of his parents’ eyes, the innocent who knew nothing yet of the world? As I typed the last sentence, the full impact of it hit me for maybe the first time since I heard of it. I can’t see the screen properly at the moment…the innocent…the joy… How? How could Shahbano’s baby brother die? That little cherub that came with her to school on her last day before she left Pakistan for Zimbabwe? The cutest little two-year-old I had ever seen in my life, with those full drooping cheeks and that childish confusion in his eyes at the sight of all those girls making such a fuss of him… The one who Niqabi took into the bathroom and amused him with the mirror there…He loved Shahbano so much! He wanted to clamber into her arms after every second, if I remember correctly. It seems so unreal…it always seems so unreal when anyone dies, but that tiny kid! I can’t stop thinking abt it; when I read ‘Angels and Demons’ today, all I could think was: ‘Where was his guardian angel? Why didn’t somebody have some sign, some instinct of what was going to happen? Why was he near the swimming pool in the first place? Why couldn’t this all be just a bad joke or a bad dream?’

Why is my mind always divided in a thousand and one different directions? Why can’t I ever feel just one thing at a time, instead of having these numerous conflicting emotional attitudes pull my brains about and leave them feeling like wet spaghetti? Why is everything always in differing shades of gray, and not just black and white? Hm…maybe it just makes life all the more interesting, but it can get very, very tiring at times. Even if I’m thinking the most trivial of thoughts, I have to look at every possible perspective in detail, why, when, how, what…I just can’t seem to give myself peace. But it still isn’t enough…according to one of my literature teachers, we use a very tiny percent of the brain on average, and no one has ever explored all the parts of the brain to their full potential. Maybe it just isn’t within human capacity to do it. Speaking of literature, I had the most AMAZING literature class on Friday; usually I find the classes with this teacher really boring and completely uiseless, compared with the other two, although this one is supposed to be the most brilliant teacher of the lot. It’s just that we seem to be moving really slowly in her classes, and maybe she thinks us stupid or what, but I just don’t enjoy myself in this particular class…but THIS one was just great. We didn’t discuss the text, but went over one chapter, and then a friend S started asking all this stuff abt some books she had read (which I had read a few years ago)…and man, they turned out to really be something lese! I don’t know how to describe it, but the talk turned to Sufism and such topics, about how the real Sufi just spent his life crying and lamenting that he couldn’t see the Beloved, that he couldn’t attain the unattainable(like the Romantic poets). Anyway...I’m sure if Em Tiddi or chij are reading this, they would have fallen asleep by now, just like they did in the very same class during this discussion (PS: maybe if you guys sat in the first row for once instead of forever hiding in the second, you might get over your fear of literature…which I know you both are not dropping because the other is there :D) So, this is almost my last post…my SAT 1 was finally over and done with today…if you really want to know, it was one of the most mind-numbing, lengthy and physically uncomfortable test I have ever given in my life…what with that idiot American woman constantly highlighting the distinctions of American English over British, making us get up after every two or three section to bend down and touch our toes, stretch our legs (without walking) and still emphasizing that ‘you people make us monsters, but we’re not…I am not a monster…blah blah blah…’-well, you can guess what it was like. And here’s just a li’l piece of news that is the best thing that’s happened all last week...my cousin had twins last Friday! My cousins were always getting married and having kids ever since I was a tiny tot, but this is the very first time I have heard of TWINS in my family! It’s such a big thing for me…I went to see them the day after they were born and they were just abt the most darling little cuties you’ve ever seen in my life…and I just held the little girl in my arms for abt an hour…the boy was in blue, and the girl in pink (though my cousin, who was hovering around constantly, insisted that he’d switched their clothes)…and I just watched the little angel sleep while the little devil screamed and cried in my mother’s arms. Well, this post must come to an end now, seeing that I’ve filled one whole page in Word, and I should be studying AGAIN (this time it’s A Grain of Wheat) *sigh*

it sucks to always say the wrong thing on ur blog...everything i post or reply to seems to have an adverse effect...and displease everyone. but the key to success is not pleasing everyone. how abt loving everyone?

were u ever called by ur mom to reeive a phone call when she has a really weird look on her face? (ur mom, i mean) did u ever ask someone how she was and get a reply 'kharaab hoon' (seriously) did u ever hear someone just bursting out crying on the phone? crying abt soemthing which cud have been avoided so easily? about something which wud affect her so much that it'll leave a permanent stain on her heart? have u ever tried to comfort soemone on the phone who 's crying so loudly that it's torture not being able to reach out physically and comfort her by a few hugs or just letting her put her head down on ur shoulder? have u ever experienced the anguish of just being silent and just listening to some garbled version of some heart-rending story gasoed out between incontrollable sobs?

forget everything

If you want to cry, weep tears for sheer joy. Cry in gratitude, cry tears of happiness. Cry for every blessing that has been evoked on your head since your first breath. Cry for the love that will always be in certain people’s hearts for you no matter what you do or say. Weep thankful tears for your laughter, your speech, your mind, and your thoughts; for every minuscule blood cell in you is a blessing. Weep, for there is life, and life is yours, and you are you, weep, in the ecstasy of your being. I don’t care if no one understands this; it’s something, some part of my life that no one knows abt here, it not even that private, but I dun really care to explain it.

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i think this previous post of mine deserves an extra post especially for the comments Many, many times in my life, I have heard people say things like ‘I’m just that way. You can’t ask me to change myself. I can’t change.’And every time I’ve always taken it as acceptable that anyone can be excused for not caring that they hurt mine or anybody else’s feelings, for not being responsible, for not thinking about the sort of people they hang out with, or even for being just plain mean. But there’s always been something inside me that makes me so uncomfortable with such statements. I mean, what does ‘I’m just that way’ mean?The plain truth is: it means that one can’t be responsible for him/herself! It seems so stupid, it’s like you’re degrading urself, you can’t even control urself, how are you gonna control your life. Are you just going to be blown this way and that, refusing to change urself, refusing to be human, just because that’s the way you are? I dun think much of these people then…it’s all very well to stick to your good habits, such as studying regularly and speaking the truth, even if ppl ridicule you for it, or you get into trouble, but I just cannot accept the fact that human beings can be so cold when it comes to others’ feelings. They just can’t be bothered-and their excuse is that they’re not the caring type.All I have to say here now is to look at urself and your actions, think about how many times you urself have done this kind of thing, and shake this notion that you were not made to be any better. You are responsible for the way you act, you are to answer for your life, and no one but you is to blame if you end up unhappy with your lot if you don’t adjust urself for the better. 2 comments: This post is pointing fingers… By Anonymous Well, the anonymous blogger above stole my comment. This post points fingers, a finger rather, the big, fat index finger, and it points the finger at ME. All words are useless All thoughts in vain The truth is to stay here And so is the pain For you it must be hard ‘Coz you think I do not care About the sorrow I’ve caused And all the times I’ve been unfair But let me tell you something Mean I may seem to you I feel like crying everyday ‘Coz it hurts me badly too Who is to apologize And for which broken sin? I’ve sinned so much I’ve lost count So let me suffer within I admit I read these comments a bit late, but even when I did read them just now, my first instinct was not to reply to them. But since someone seems to expect it, I’ll try to explain my point, although I’m afraid I might only get a defensive reaction, as always. The background of this post was, simply: a book. I am reading (or trying to read) a self-help book, the first one I have ventured to open. And it’s amazing; it’s so clear and simple; it really gives one focus to life and highlights exactly what types of things are important and which are not. So, reading this, I came across a whole section on being responsible for your own actions, about responsibility to other human beings. I studied this in O level literature too; so this practical concept is not entirely unfamiliar to me. Hence, I could relate to it. And all I could think abt was the number of ppl in my life who have said things like ‘I’m just that way’ ‘I can’t change’ ‘I can’t help being like this’ as though it was a mission statement or something). They’re simply too confused to know that they CAN change for the better, they CAN make themselves WANT to change for the better, and if they don’t, they’re not fulfilling their duty to mankind. Remember that Hadis? ‘Show mercy to those that are on earth, an He, who is in the heavens, will show mercy to you’ if mercy is not what you are used to showing, what will you say to Allah when He asks you why you didn’t care abt spurning a person who needed you without feeling? ‘Ummm…sorry Allah Mian, but I’m not that way’??????? So all I was trying to do in this post was to convey the lesson I had learnt and then forgotten, which a book written by a non-Muslim had to remind me of. Pointing fingers? Why do you use such a negative way of thinking? If I wanted to point fingers, I would not have made such a general post. I want everyone to know this, and look at themselves. I know that my friends here (for whom I care abt more than they can ever imagine) have said a lot of stuff like ‘I’m just that way’, but I wasn’t trying to hurt you; I just want your own good. Now that you know it’s so inexcusable to be irresponsible, why not try to change instead of just feeling? If you feel that guilty that you wrote such a great poem on it, why not try to be better now? If you feel guilty, you must know WHY you’re feeling guilty. Why don’t you try to right your wrongs, if they make you feel so bad? It’s not my post that making you feel bad. It’s you. It’s not that hard, dears, I promise. And it’s the right thing to do. Feel like crying everyday…oh, sweetie, the answer is not to cry, gee, I wish I could just do something to stop that…all you have to do is be strong. Don’t take it too hard, else you won’t know what to do to, you’ll just be numb.

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